Breaking the Silence: Rethinking Death and Grief in America

Broaching the topic of death and grief in an uncomfortable society

Photo by Kevin Andre on Unsplash

Odds are, you know someone who has lost a family member, a friend, a parent, or even a child. And in your effort to console them, you froze. You felt uncomfortable. You didn’t know what to say because you were worried about being insensitive, too overbearing, or misunderstood in your intention to comfort.

Living in America has brought this realization to the forefront for many of us.

Picture this: you know a couple who has just lost their child at 20 weeks gestation. You’ve never experienced a loss like that, but you want to show up for them. You arrive at their home, where they sit in the depths of their grief, weeping over the death of their baby. You sit in silence, listening. How do you feel in that moment? Relieved that you showed up? Uncomfortable, because you don’t know whether you should be mourning too? Or maybe you feel like leaving, just to ease the awkwardness you sense hanging over the room.

Or perhaps you are at the wake of a distant relative. You didn’t know them well, but other family members did, and their mourning looks different: some cry uncontrollably, some crack jokes to mask their sadness, while others withdraw into silence to avoid painful conversations. And then there’s you. What do you do? Which coping avenue do you choose to soothe your own discomfort about how you should act in the face of grief?

As someone who has lived in the United States all my life, I’ve found it fascinating - and troubling - how we approach death compared to much of the world. On the outside, Americans often present themselves as “put together,” unaffected by loss. Maybe this comes from cultural desensitization, but I think it runs deeper. I believe we are simply never taught how to engage with death and grief in a healthy, open way.

We may read about death in books, encounter it in religious texts, or even observe rituals in other cultures while traveling. But back home? We avoid the topic. Talking about death feels uncomfortable, and for some, even disrespectful.

Historically, much of this hesitation traces back to Euro-Victorian traditions. Communities dressed in black, displayed mementos, and followed highly ritualized. yet somber and restrained practices. For many Christians of that era, and still today, the focus was on death as both a fearful mystery and a quiet fascination, with the promise of eternal life on the other side.

As a Christian myself, I noticed growing up in the non-denominational church that funerals, grief, and death were often treated as taboo. They were “hush-hush” conversations, reserved only for the “proper time and place.” Rarely did people openly share their sorrow or grief - unless the focus was on eternal life beyond the grave.

But here’s the question I wrestle with: if death is such a natural part of life, why don’t we talk about it more? Why don’t we share stories about the loved ones we’ve lost? Why is grief something we struggle to acknowledge openly? Where is the disconnect that makes us so uncomfortable when death enters the room?

Other cultures provide a striking contrast. In Mexico, Ghana, Māori communities, and Ireland, death is met with communal mourning, open expression, and even celebration. In Japan, Tibet, Hindu traditions, and Islamic nations, rituals guide the soul into the afterlife. These approaches differ, but they share one thing in common: they are engaged. They acknowledge grief and ritualize it in ways that bring healing and connection. In the United States, by contrast, mourning often feels restrained, private, or hidden away.

Since losing our two boys, my perspective on death and grief has changed dramatically. I now see the value of openness and the importance of meeting people where they are. For some, it’s difficult to meet me in that openness. But to be transparent, I welcome conversations about my sons, Davian and Jadon. Their lives, though short, were profoundly impactful. They changed how I approach my faith, my relationships, and my willingness to engage in difficult conversations.

The truth is, death is part of life. We may never feel entirely comfortable with it, but avoiding it only deepens the silence and the loneliness of grief. By learning from other cultures, and by daring to talk openly about our own experiences, we can begin to transform how we grieve.

Because grief, when shared, becomes less of a burden. And love, when spoken aloud, keeps the memory of those we’ve lost alive.